Republican Beatitudes

The Republican National Committee recently released a set of revisions to the well-loved Christian beatitudes cleaning up the inchoate Communism in Jesus' statements:

• Blessed are the materially wealthy, for they are the Elect of God.
• Blessed are the poor, for they are not taxed to pay for other people's medicines.
• Blessed are the belligerent, for they will subdue the earth.
• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for vengeance, for they will find abundant enemies.
• Blessed are the merciless, for in such ways they will earn respect.
• Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they will be God.
• Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will confuse and delay our opponents.
• Blessed are those who are persecuted by the liberal media elite, for they will strike back!
• Blessed are you when people slander you on any account, for in the same way they slandered Genghis Khan and Caligula who were before you.