Sunday, September 20, 2009

Republican Beatitudes

The Republican National Committee recently released a set of revisions to the well-loved Christian beatitudes cleaning up the inchoate Communism in Jesus' statements:

  • Blessed are the materially wealthy, for they are the Elect of God.
  • Blessed are the poor, for they are not taxed to pay for other people's medicines.
  • Blessed are the belligerent, for they will subdue the earth.
  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for vengeance, for they will find abundant enemies.
  • Blessed are the merciless, for in such ways they will earn respect.
  • Blessed are the pure in ideology, for they will be God.
  • Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will confuse and delay our opponents.
  • Blessed are those who are persecuted by the liberal media elite, for they will strike back!
  • Blessed are you when people slander you on any account, for in the same way they slandered Genghis Khan and Caligula who were before you.


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